"So he’s cutting SNAP and CHIP, to which America’s children replied, ‘STOP!’ and ‘HELP!’”
“Not everyone looked that comfortable at the party. Here’s Steve Bannon realizing these aren’t the kind of men in white robes he’s used to.”
"Next stop, Indictment Avenue!"
“There’s a huge scandal out of the White House — no, not that scandal, or the one before that, or the one tomorrow. Although technically they’re all part of one big scandal stroganoff.”
“It’s like when you were in school and your bully was out with the flu."
“Trump is harming his presidency so much I wouldn’t be surprised if he was throwing it because he has money on his own impeachment.”
On Monday, we learned that then-President Obama warned Trump not to hire former National Security Advisor Michael Flynn. On Tuesday, Trump fired FBI Director James Comey—which Comey found out about on TV. On Wednesday, he met in the Oval Office with Russian diplomats, including an accused Russian spy. On Thursday, he admitted that he fired Comey specifically because of the Russian investigation. On Friday, he threatened Comey with secret tapes of their conversations. On Saturday, the Justice Department began interviewing new candidates for FBI director. Yesterday, we learned that Trump gave the Russians highly classified information. And today, we learned that Trump asked Comey to shut down the FBI’s investigation into Flynn.And, if you’re wondering why I didn’t mention Sunday, that was Mother’s Day, so obviously Trump was doing what all normal husbands do: spending the day alone on a golf course in a different state.
"There are only two times a Russian man smiles: the day he dies, and this."
“If there’s one person you don’t want any more ties to, it’s this guy. He is the kiss of death. But as we all know, no one tells Donald Trump who he can kiss.”
"People, I'm not going to sugar-coat this — this is bad for democracy."
"I just remember you coming into my office and telling me, 'Hang your soul up at the door...And have a cocktail.'"
LAST WEEK TONIGHT
"Why would this be the end of the line for him? Trump has seemed to reach the end of the line on multiple occasions only for nothing to happen."