“If there’s one thing Trump is famous for, it’s telling people where to pee."
"Now, obviously, it’s not fair to judge a guy on one isolated, dumb-ass clip, so here’s a bunch of them."
“Yes, I believe Ben Carson will find the true meaning of HUD, just like in the beloved children’s story 'How the Grinch Stole Housing.'”
“Tragically, Sweden is the third not-a-terrorist-attack that has not shocked the world in the last month...And just because it didn’t happen doesn’t mean we don’t stand in solidarity with all the people who did not suffer.”
“So the wall is see through, but impenetrable. An analogy, but also real. Don’t you see, Dorothy? The wall was inside you all along. You’re the wall. You’re all the wall."
“Trump literally saw something on Fox News and confused it for reality. Next thing you know he’s going to lament the terrible treatment of people with moderate to severe plaque psoriasis.”
"What president hasn't had to say 'I'm not ranting and raving'? Who could forget Lincoln's tirade at Gettysburg, or FDR's fireside meltdowns?"
“This administration is like a really intense haunted house, where every door you think is an exit is just a door to an even scarier room — How do I get out of this f—king place? I wet my pants three rooms ago!”
“He didn’t know the U.S. government routinely taps calls to the Russians. Which is stupid ― that’s the plot of every spy movie.”
“It’s nice to see, like most of your friends from high school, not only has Miller not changed, he’s gotten worse.”
"It's not a surprise that Trump is looking to cash in. We saw this coming when, during the inauguration, he put his hand on the Bible and swore to 'Get rich or die trying.'"
“We don’t have the votes in the United States Senate to block somebody like Jeff Sessions... So what we’ve got to do is count on people all around this country to make their voices heard.”
LAST WEEK TONIGHT
"The clock is ticking."