Anybody heard any good conspiracy theories lately?
“You’re just tip-toeing around the medical condition that you’re really upset about. One that she has that no other president in history has ever faced. Hillary Clinton has chronic ‘no penis.'”
"It's all summed up in Trump's new slogan: 'You're already on fire, so you may as well shoot yourself in the head.'"
Lochte: “Well, since everything happened, I’ve kind of been laying low.” Colbert: “If you want to lay low, television is the best place to do that.”
“How many emails does Hillary Clinton have that she can just miss 15,000? Oh no, is she one of those weirdos who has them unread on her phone? Because Trump may be a demagogue, but I cannot vote for a sociopath who doesn’t clean out their inbox.”
“That’s how low the bar is for Trump right now. Republicans are complimenting him for being mature."
"This is the final straw? Not the racism or the misogyny or the wall? What happened to all of the other straws?—Oh, there they are."
"If, for some reason Trump actually does debate Hillary, she should just say, ‘Hi, I’m Hillary Clinton,’ and then she should turn off her microphone, open a big bag of Skinny Pop, and watch him slowly unravel.”
"I know like most things Donald says, it sounds crazy, but still, the man is a presidential candidate — the same way this is a news show — so, as a news show, we had to investigate the claims, and it turns out, they're true. Donald Trump is right. We've uncovered evidence of election-rigging throughout the system."
“Just like that, Bernie's 2016 run was over... There were so many white women crying, I thought Pinterest had died.”
"Black kids grow up to be criminals, yeah, because their moms are never home. Probably down at the club — or because they have to work two jobs and public transportation doesn’t go to their neighborhood and the legacy of redlining has kept them from living in better areas — but also, at the club!"
How many Trumps does it take to screw up a country?
LAST WEEK TONIGHT
“Just think about how triumphant it would feel to say on national television, ‘I openly ran on a platform of impossibly ignorant proposals steeped in racial bigotry and nobody stopped me. In fact you embraced me for it.'"