"'Jared Kushner will oversee a broad effort to overhaul the federal government.' And the government desperately needs overhaul. I mean, somebody keeps putting totally unqualified people in charge of really important stuff.”
"Since so many people are losing health care they're just saying, 'Quick, do the first three things on your bucket list.'"
"Apparently paranoia has seized the Trump White House. I’m surprised. I thought Russia was going to seize it.”
"Cutting Meals on Wheels? That isn’t just heartless, it’s bad marketing. You always stick with things that rhyme."
"As troubling as the Russian revelations are, what the Republicans have been doing with healthcare may be just as outrageous and will certainly affect more Americans."
"Americanese: It's a combination of 'American' and 'Bitch, please.'"
“That is a huge, huge deal, and yet, only 60 days into this administration, you hear that and you’re like, meh!”
"Your heart is so small, it makes your tiny hands look like catcher mitts."
“I was so offended, I wanted to protest. Unfortunately, there’s no type of black people protest Tomi is comfortable with, so I guess we should just move on.”
"He lied on Twitter during a hearing about him lying on Twitter. He was live lying the hearing."
"We've been invaded by mind-controlling aliens who look like bad hair.
"This time, the popular vote actually matters."
LAST WEEK TONIGHT
"You don't cut these agencies as a cost-saving measure. You do it as a f*ck you."