"Trump has been fending off attacks like a woman meeting Donald Trump."
“I don’t see any promotions for the last eight years, that’s not always good. Can you explain that?”
"I'd say Pence's strong performance bodes well for Trump, since everyone knows the team with the best backup quarterback always wins the Super Bowl."
“I gotta say, that makes him sound like something that rhymes with a real grass bowl.”
“Trump has essentially been in the middle of the same run-on sentence for about a year now."
"No one should avoid meltdowns more than Donald Trump. Pre-meltdown, he already looks like a Yankee candle that has been left in the sun."
“So she can't laugh, she can't cough, she can't shout or condescend...All Trump had to do was be a normal person and he would’ve been declared the winner—and yet he still managed to lose."
“After tonight’s debates, several Fox News analysts said that Hillary Clinton is the clear winner. Maybe global warming is a hoax, because hell has frozen over.”
“At that point, Lester Holt wasn’t even moderating anymore, he was just eating popcorn like everyone else.”
"Wow. That is the least-woke, most awake person I have ever seen."
“If the only time you encounter black people is when you’re policing crime, then your only experience of black people is that they’re criminals.”
"Why do you think Barack Obama wasn't in the Oval Office on 9/11?" "That I don't know. I'd like to get to the bottom of that."
LAST WEEK TONIGHT
“Alternative pain treatments should be at least as easy to find as Waffle Houses, which, like heroin, are both hazardous to your health and dangerously addictive.”