*also includes Jon Stewart moments
"North Carolina has staged themselves strategically next to the bathrooms, so they can check everyone's genitalia before they—you know—cast their ballots, shall we say?"
"I know I'm not supposed to be up here, but let's be honest, neither is Donald Trump."
"In the end, he received over 12 million votes and won 22 states. And he stayed in the race so long after being mathematically eliminated he also won the state of denial."
"You've gotta be f—king kidding me!"
“Yes, John Kasich has ended his bid for the White House. He may be gone, but he’s not…who are we talking about again?”
“So for the record, Florida votes yes on Jimmy Buffett, yes on releasing pythons into toilets — on Marco Rubio, no thanks.”