Precocious Antique Store Selling iPhone 7

AURORA, IL—Declaring itself a leader in the industry, Out of the Attic in Aurora, IL, became the first antique store in the country to offer the iPhone 7. As tech enthusiasts eagerly awaited the iPhone 8 at a nearby Apple store, tech unenthusiasts were lined up around the block at the antique store to be first in line to get a second crack at the newest old phone.

“I like to keep my store up to date with all the latest antique trends,” said owner Glenn Lynch, “as soon as something becomes an antique, I make sure my store is stocked up.”

While some would say it’s too soon to pass the 7 off as an antique, Lynch is sure it’s the right time. “Some antique peddlers like to wait a few months after the release of a new phone to gauge the verdict and decide if America is ready to move on from the 7 and embrace the next device, but I don’t need to wait that long to be sure. Once a new iPhone comes out, the previous model is immediately obsolete, so I have it immediately available.”

Elsa Harrington, of Aurora, was first in line at Out of the Attic, but the 179 millionth person to get her hands on the device. “I’m not the type of person who needs the latest technology,” she admitted, “so I always come to Out of the Attic for my phones.”

“Having a year old phone is not the worst thing in the world,” said Geoffrey Neilson, of Oswego. “But having a two year old phone is. That’s why I’m here for the 7. My 6s is a piece of junk.”

Only hours after offering the iPhone 7, Lynch was already seen stocking up on the iPhone 8 to prepare for its transition into antiquity. The iPhone X comes out next month.

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