Declaring himself “unfit” to hold the office of Vice President of the United States, Mike Pence requested President Trump immediately sign an executive order changing his title from “Vice President” to “Virtue President.” Pence reportedly feels persecuted by the “vicious” label and can’t go another day living under the title.
In a statement, Pence laid out his resolve, saying, “The Lord has been testing me with this tainted epithet. And when I’m tested, I fast and pray. And after 45 days of fasting, God has finally heard my prayers, because he blessed me with a weekend with my wife so I could finally eat dinner. And once I was sated, it came upon me the idea to request a title change and declare myself holy. Or rather, the president shall declare it, but I can think of no one more apt than Donald Trump to authenticate my virtue.”
Laying out the terms for the order, Pence declared that any previous use of “Vice” to describe him should be retroactively stricken from all records, and that after he vacate the seat, the role should be returned to its original title so as not to diminish Pence’s standing as the first and only man of “Virtue” in the United States government.