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Stephen had to talk about Donald Trump’s penis on Monday’s Late Show. Stephen didn’t have a show Friday, so he missed the opportunity to talk about Trump’s comment when it was fresh, “But I don’t care, because this is what I do for a living, and there’s no way in hell I’m going to let an entire election go by without talking about this,” he says, before showing the clip of Trump saying “there’s no problem” in terms of the size of his penis. Colbert struggles to get out his punch line, but manages to point out that Trump will “make sure the Republicans are the party of the ‘big tent.'” But he has to wonder, “Why would a man with a small penis put his name in giant letters on the top of a skyscraper?” He then backtracks when he remembers how his own name is displayed on the Ed Sullivan Theater.
The issue is out there now, and Stephen says “The people have the right to know the size of your executive branch,” so he calls on him to “release the long form. Or the short form — no judgment.” Was he done? No. “All kidding aside, I am not putting any kidding aside,” says Stephen. “I can’t believe that these are absolutely legitimate jokes to be making about a presidential debate right now. For those of you who have been following American democracy for the last 240 years, we have officially hit a new low in political discourse.” On the chart of campaign absurdities, we have broken the chart and sunk to the center of the earth, but not so low as “‘Onstage nut punch followed by closing statement delivered via one long burp’ — but it’s only March.”