Monologic: Bieber and Jon Stewart take over, Trump gets attacked, and also mocked

stewart bieber trump

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

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Jon Stewart took over Stephen Colbert’s monologue on Thursday’s Late Show, and Stephen dressed him as Trump to help get his point across. Stephen starts his monologue as usual, making fun of recent footage of Trump being attacked by a bald eagle. “Donald is getting out of there faster than a Muslim tenant in Trump tower,” Stephen says, but he is about to get serious about endangered species when he is interrupted by applause from the audience. Jon Stewart walks on to ask Stephen if he can address Congress about the Zadroga Act that would give health care funding to 9/11 first responders, but as soon as he starts talking, Stephen shouts “booooooring” and stops him, saying, “That’s got no zazz!” Stephen advises Jon that the only way to get attention these days is to “Trump it up a little bit.” Watch the video to see Stephen cover Jon in a wig and orange Cheetos powder to help him raise awareness.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

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Justin Bieber took over the Late Late Show monologue while James Corden was in the shower on Thursday’s show. Bieber didn’t miss a beat, getting right to the news that President Obama revealed his favorite song of 2015 was “How Much a Dollar Cost” by Kendrick Lamar. According to Bieber, not to be outdone, “Hillary revealed her favorite song of 2015 was ‘Whatever Will Get You to Like Me.'” In other news, the CEO of Yahoo gave birth to twins yesterday, “and even they already have Gmail.” Bieber was just getting the hang of the monologue when he was interrupted by Corden in a bathrobe. Watch the video to see what James had to say.

Late Night with Seth Meyers

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For his 300th episode, Seth Meyers reports a recent poll put Trump in his strongest position yet, “while Jeb Bush remains in the same position: fetal.” Justice Scalia said in an argument against Affirmative Action that black students thrive when in less advanced school. Black students said “it’s not the worst thing they ever heard from a guy in a robe.” Harry Reid responded to this by saying, “I agree, everybody does better in ‘lesser schools.’ In fact it’s Arizona State’s motto.”

CONAN

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Conan reports that Donald Trump cancelled a planned trip to Israel. Apparently Trump said, “They already have a wall and a fear of Muslims, my work there is done.” Footage was also released of a photo shoot in which Trump was attacked by a bald eagle. “The only thing that saved Trump’s life was the angry hawk living in his hair.” And Larry King has announced he wants to be cryogenically frozen, saying, “I was frozen once during the Ice Age. I loved it.”

The Tonight Show starring Jimmy Fallon

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Trump is the big story, as usual, for Fallon and the rest. After his recent comments about Muslims, Trump was fired as global ambassador for Scotland, “which is ironic because if there ever was a human version of bagpipes, it’s Donald trump.” Bernie Sanders says his grandchildren call him Grandpa Bern, which really “sounds like a medical condition.” And ‘No Child Left Behind’ has been revised to give less power to the Dept. of Education, and is now being called, “Don’t Blame Us Your Kid is Dumb.”

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