Monologic: Merkel is Person of the Year, Trump is Voldemort, Bernie is old, Colbert is cursed

merkel monologue

The Late Late Show with James Corden

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Corden reports that Time magazine chose Angela Merkel as Person of the Year. “This is big news because Time magazine hasn’t picked a German leader since…let’s just say it’s been awhile.” Trump said he knew he wouldn’t win, but Corden points out, “You don’t get to brag about not winning just because you predicted it.” JK Rowling came out saying Donald Trump is worse than Voldemort. Corden says if that were the case, Hillary would be Hermione, Chris Christie would be Hagrid, and Rick Santorum would be Colin Creevey. And to a confused audience member he asks, “Oh, do you not know who Colin Creevey is?… Do you know who Rick Santorum is?… Well, that’s my point exactly.”

Late Night with Seth Meyers

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Seth Meyers says pundits are predicting if Hillary wins the primary in New Hampshire, it’ll be a death blow to the Sanders campaign, “but Bernie’s hoping he’ll still have a shot in Old Hampshire.” Angela Merkel was named Person of the Year, “while Donald Trump was named German Chancellor of the year.” Jeb Bush said he thinks “its important for voters to know that his religious beliefs contribute to his decision making. He said his Christian faith is what gave him the idea to only have twelve supporters.”

 

CONAN

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Donald Trump told People Magazine he was good at sports, “which could be true, because it seems like he’s had a lot of concussions.” A Fox News analysts was punished for saying President Obama was a “total pussy,” Conan says this is “not because the word is obscene, but because Republicans found it too close to a discussion of women’s health issues.”

 

The Tonight Show starring Jimmy Fallon

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Along with its Person of the Year, Time released a list of influential fictional characters. Kate McKinnon’s SNL impression of Hillary Clinton came in third. “I guess she was edged out by Hillary’s version of Hillary Clinton, and Hillary’s other version of Hillary Clinton.” Time also released video from a photo shoot with Donald Trump and a live bald eagle that attacked him. “After that, Trump was like, ‘I’m now banning all bald eagles from America.'”

 

 

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

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Stephen had Marion Cotillard on the show Tuesday night and repeatedly used the word “Macbeth” when talking about her new film. The next day, Stephen is visited by the ghost of Macbeth, who now haunts the studio.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

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Jimmy asks people to complete the sentence “Donald Trump is the worst thing to happen to…”

 

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