Late Night Talks is a collection of satirical moments from the previous night’s talk shows.
Late Night with Seth Meyers
In last night’s A Closer Look, Late Night’s long-form segment that recently garnered praise from The Atlantic, Seth looked into last week’s comments on gun control from some of the Republican presidential candidates. Jeb Bush has been quoted everywhere as saying “stuff happens” when asked about the shooting, but Seth wanted to make sure the quote wasn’t taken out of context, so he played a longer version of his answer, which wasn’t much better. “To be clear, he wasn’t callously shrugging off the shooting, he was just saying that when tragedies like this occur, it’s important for the government to not do anything.” Jeb was then given a chance to clarify his comments, and actually responded with, “Things happen…Is that better?” Bush then further elaborated on his remarks by offering an example of when a child dies in a pool, insisting the government shouldn’t pass a law requiring fences. Except Florida did pass a law requiring fences in 2000. Who would sign an anti-freedom law like that? Jeb! “We implement sensible regulations on potentially dangerous things like pools all the time,” Seth remarked. “Why should guns be any different? I know. I know. There’s no right to bear pools in the Constitution. But that’s only because our founding fathers failed to see that a bunch of rich assholes would want cement ponds in their backyards.”
That was only the start of Seth’s scorn. He went on to challenge Ben Carson’s use of the word “crazies”, Chris Christie’s denial of the effectiveness of his state’s own laws, and Trump’s using the moment to brag about his own gun permit. “Just when you thought Trump ’16 couldn’t get any gnarlier—Oh my god, he has a gun! And a case of the crazies.”
Watch more clips here.
The Late Late Show with James Corden
Corden opened his nice stream of social satire by showing last week’s clip of a group of girls at an Arizona Diamondbacks game taking a continuous stream of selfies while the commentators made fun of them. Corden said these girls took about 20 pics in 10 seconds. “To put that in perspective, the guys who landed on the moon took like three total pictures.” Corden had his jokes about the girls, but in the spirit of fair play, he also laid into the commentators and cameramen. “How about not lingering on a group of 19 year olds for five minutes during a baseball game? Like, I don’t know who lost that game, but I know who won: creepy old dudes watching at home.” He then went on to question how many pictures is too many, and the absurdity of, years ago, taking a hundred pictures of yourself to the one-hour photo. See more in the video below.
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The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
Fallon opened his monologue by informing his audience that last week, fire fighters said they no longer support Hillary Clinton. Fallon added, “You know it’s bad when fire fighters say, ‘Even we can’t put out that many fires.'” In an interview with Al Sharpton, Hillary said Trump says whatever he needs to in order to stir up the passion of the people and Sharpton said “You know you’re talking to me, right?” Then Trump said “Not true, now step aside while I fire my t-shirt cannon into this crowd!” Trump was also quoted recently saying of his campaign, “I didn’t want to do this; I had to due this.” According to Jimmy, he was the sued by Jeb Bush for stealing his slogan.
Watch more here.
The Late Show with Stephen Colbert
Stephen did a segment on Whole Foods’ recent “all-natural, gluten free trouble,” which he says is a shame because, “I love shopping at Whole Foods because I love organic produce and I cannot stand having money.” First, the company was caught adding weight to by-the-pound products, then they were criticized for charging $6 for asparagus water. Last week, they had to issue another semi apology for profiting off the labor of inmates who aren’t paid much. “Prison labor,” says Stephen, “but everything at Whole Foods is supposed to be cage free!” He then offers a series of pre-taped apologies for anything Whole Foods might get in trouble for in the future, including, “Our exotic food department will no longer feature products from Narnia, xanadu, and funkytown.” Check out the rest of his apologies in the video below.
Watch more here.
Conan began by talking about Hillary’s cameo on SNL, saying she’s trying really hard to connect with young people and that the latest news is that she follows Katy Perry on twitter. Said Conan, “and Bill follows Katy on tour.” In other presidential candidate news, Jeb Bush is struggling in the polls, and analysts say he’s in so much trouble they may bring in George W. Bush to appeal to his key demographic: “People who have a terrible memory.” Carly Fiorina said her degree in medieval history will help her defeat ISIS. Conan said that’s “also where she gets her policy on birth control.”
Watch more here.